Malfoy's Mutability Matrix
by ahlade
Summary: Two pupils of our beloved school get stuck in a small, small, small space. Squashed together. I mean really, really, close. They can’t move. Much. They then propose a theory in Astrophysics. Remember, one of them is the girl who gave us S.P.E.W...
1. Default Chapter

Malfoy's Mutability Matrix or, the Case of the Missing Wand.

AN: Beware! Random ideas have been pulled from Discworld to Potterverse, and there may be some wear and tear due to dimensional travel. Feedback will be like bananas to a Librarian adrift in L-space, like woodlice to a starving bowtruckle, like toast to a giant squid meditating in a lake… That is to say, it will be very welcome.

'Don't _move_!'

'I'm not going anywhere!'

Silence. Laboured breathing

'Stop that !'

'Stop what?'

'That—that _wriggling_ !'

'I'm _not_ wriggling . I'm trying to get more room.'

'There _is _no room. Your wriggling is making it worse. And your hair is tickling my nose. It's your fault entirely.'

'What? That you can't tickle your nose?'

'That we're stuck in an inter-dimensional speculation.'

'My fault! You were the one who proposed the I-dimensional mutability matrix model!'

'But _you_ were the one who called upon I-Space!'

'I was _scoffing_ at you. I didn't expect to get stuck in some inter-dimensional matrix, squashed against you.'

'Don't you remember even the basics of wand safety? One does not wave one's wand around when engaged in theoretical arithmantic speculation! The wand is not a pointer. But then what does one expect of someone of your backgroun-OW!'

'If you don't shut up I'll stamp on your other foot. Harder.'

Silence.

'How can you move your legs. _I _can't.'

'There seems to be some space below my waist. But I can't move my torso much. You?'

'My arms are outstretched at a very uncomfortable angle ,and my face is buried in your hair. Can't you use some kind of potion to tame it? It's taking up most of the space in here.'

'Can you possibly get your thoughts off hair for two seconds? Or is that too hard?'

'You're not the one being suffocated by wild, untamable, keratinous, dead tissue of questionable genetic heritage! It's trying to get up my nasal passage and asphyxiate me to death!'

'You, sir, are raving!'

'You're just jealous of my perfect hair.'

'Ummph'

'Stop wriggling your behind!'

'I have a crick in my back. I don't particularly want to be here with your… _thing_ sticking into my back!'

'I'm sorry I wasn't able to put my wand away in a better location in anticipation of being stuck in unquantifiable space with my most annoying classmate.'

'Oh!'

Prolonged silence.

'So, if you have your wand with you, try getting us out of here. Mine got knocked out of my hand when the force field struck.'

'Mine's not in my hand either. But…_Finite incantatem_.'

'Nothing happened! I still can't move! But try again! I can feel it !Your wand's definitely hotter.'

'_Finite_… It's not working. Stop pestering me. We have to think of another way out of here.'

'At least we have oxygen.'

Short silence.

'Do you think anyone can see us? I mean its kind of watery , but I can still see the corridor wall.'

'We are in the corridor outside arithmancy on a Friday afternoon. There is nobody here to see, even if they _could_ see us. The mutability matrix prohibits the possibility of discovery without intent.'

'Maybe you'll be missed at dinner.'

'Uhm… no actually—everybody'll assume I'm in the library working for the potions exam on Monday. Maybe tomorrow afternoon ...dinner. They'll _definitely_ miss me tomorrow at dinner!'

'But you? Surely someone will miss you?'

'I rather doubt it. I'm not usually conspicuous through absence. Also, we have no idea whether time passes the same way here as it does in our dimension.'

'Oh right! Stibbons' Cheese equation.'

Extended silence.

'What do you propose we do?'

'We have to think our way out of this one. Two of the best brains in Hogwarts ought to do it.'

'Alright, to recap. You and I outside the arithmancy classroom. You are talking at me, sneering as usual, how String theory is hogwash…'

'It _is_ hogwash!'

'Pfft! Shut up and listen!'

'Then I put my bag down and draw my wand and ask you if you can do better. Upon which you pass you hand through your stupid, not at all perfect, hair and glare at me through your nose…'

'What ! I -'

'..through you nose and propose the really old and much disproved-'

'_Never_ categoric-'

'-theory of space as an n-1 coefficient continuum of dimensions. Then, I correctly and with correct and complete arithmantic proofs prove the mathematical impossibility of that nonsense'

'Bah! Hex's proofs have too many built in errors of hymenopteral scurrificance.'

'But they are far more widely accepted than Simon's Mutability Matrix!'

'That's only because there are so few minds that can appreciate the subtlety and beauty of his model. I-dimensional mutability is the theory of the future, and what's more, I just proved it.'

'_This_ is not proof! We're stuck—no squashed in some interstitial dimension!'

'Which you imagined based on a mental picture projected through my excellently illustrated theory.'

'Bah! Fluoro-symbols cast against a corridor wall! A first year could do that!'

'Yet, a seventh-year, idiotically waved your wand around in the presence of powerful symbols and thus forcibly projected us into I-space.'

'Hold on!'

'Stop wriggling.'

Short silence.

'You're jumping up and down! Stop jumping up and down!'

'I'm concentrating.'

'Sodium Chloride!'

'And the same to you !'

'What? No, that's what I was imaginingCation-anion arrangements. Orderly geometric balancing of charges—we're in a NaCl crystal! So if I bend here, and straighten here and imagine a fault here—and that's where I can reach out into the fracture line and break the crystal through internal…'

'Voila!'

'Thank the dark lord! Air! Air with no hair!'

'Look! Your symbols are still on the wall. So it must have been only a few seconds in this dimension. Ah! There's my wand. And ooh! Look, there is yours!

'So, why did you say you had it in your pocket?'

'Malfoy?' 'Malfoy?'


	2. Chapter 2

'And as one can see, the serendipitous experience of being catapulted into I-space has allowed us to prove arithmantically the possibility of Malfoy's Mutability Matrix. Proofs for this theory have already been presented to the Esteemed Guild of Arithmancers in Ankh Morpork and to the Institut de la Cosmologie et Astrophysique in Paris.'

'But working on that revelation, we have chosen to propose a fresh set of ideas relating to cosmology, which my colleague Mr Draco Malfoy has very unchar—I mean , very kindly, allowed me to present under my own name. However, I think this would be unethical, and therefore I ask that any credit due to the following paper must be shared equally between my colleague and me…' Hermione Granger beamed at the room, no doubt imagining herself to be speaking in the vaulted Amphitheatre at Unseen University rather than in the small classroom in the Hogwarts School Witchcraft and Wizardry, where she currently was. The room was lit by a few Ever-Burning torches suspended at intervals along the rough-hewn walls that dated from when the castle had first been built.

Completely unaffected by her uninspiring surroundings, Hermione had never felt more animated or excited, as she energetically put forth her research paper to her captive audience, consisting of Professors Sinistra and Vector, and her co-researcher, the very Malfoy whose name their theory bore.

A stray bat roosting in the ancient beams of the room would have been extremely intrigued to note, (had he been a student-of-human-nature kind of bat, that is) that one of the occupants of the classroom looked distinctly unhappy. This was none other than the co-researcher himself, who far from being proud at being one of the youngest Arithmancers to have a theory named after him, seems to be trying desperately to sink as low is in his seat as the unforgiving angles of his gothic chair would let him.

The light glittered enchantingly on said boy's golden head, as his colouring was particularly suited to torch-light, which hollowed out delicious shadows and planes on his face. But while on other days he may have angled his neck at the precise degree that would cause the mirrors on the wall (or indeed any stray roosting bats) to try and commit inappropriate acts with his person, today he seemed completely indifferent to his surroundings. He studiously avoided looking at the animated figure of Hermione Granger, who was now casting fluoro-symbols on one of the walls in preparation of her lecture, and seemed engrossed in the close study of his boots. Our friend the bat would have noted without qualms that the boots were indeed very nice (Gryphon scale, handmade in Florence) and that they suited the sprawling boy very well indeed. But really, the bat would also have wondered, why, unless he were a secret contributor to the fashion column of Witches Weekly, was young Malfoy so interested in his boots when such important arithmantic events were taking place? For indeed, one could perceive that the energetically erudite Miss Granger, having finished casting the last symbol on the magically whitened wall, had now once again opened her mouth to speak.

Our enterprising friend the bat, would have heard at this point a groan, rather despairing, which made Professor Sinistra look rather sternly at poor Professor Vector, who, poor dear, being rather deaf, hadn't heard a thing.

'In Muggle Astrophysics today, one of the most exciting theories proposed to explain our universe, is the Standard Cosmology Model, henceforth SCM. As we know the SCM relies on dark matter to generate sufficient forces that would make the current visible universe coherent. This had led to the speculative existence of many theoretical particles: such as leptons and neutralinos. However, as proved by Malfoy's Mutability Matrix, and by Simon's I-Space Speculation, it is possible for I –space to infringe on the natural universe, hence every time a particle is speculated beyond the I –threshold, it actually comes into being. Normally this threshold, also called the Conjuration Level I-Threshold, or C.L.I.T, is seldom found, or even touched by ordinary Muggles.'

'However, due to the popularity of layman science, through the works of such banished wizards as Professor Hawkins, and the internet, many more Muggles are now able to partake in Speculation of Extraordinary Cosmic Size, or S.E.C.S and many of them are able to reach C.L.I.T. Even W.I.M.Ps, or Weakly Interacting Massive Particles. Quite often this is because of the sheer quantity of the speculation rather than its precision. The CLIT stimulation happens, as it were, by accident, but happen it does.'

Unaware of how Professor Sinistra was gazing at her in shocked disbelief, Hermione continued: ' This in turn leads to a Powerful Ordinary Layman's Effluvium or POLE, consisting of stray particles like Leptons and Nuetrolinos, to enter the Current Universal Natural Totality, also called-'

'Yes, yes, Miss Granger, we get the acronym! Kindly proceed!' Our friend the bat would have now noticed that Professor Sinistra looked as if she either had a really full bladder, or as if a broomstick had found a resting place in her alimentary canal. Professor Vector, being hard of hearing, had hardly paid attention to the talking and was staring lovingly at the complex Arithmancy revolving lazily on the wall.

If Hermione was surprised at this less than charitable response from her favourite professor, she did not show it and continued blithely on.

'Very well, Professor! Thaumatons, or magical particles, which are the actual so called 'dark matter' that Muggles are so desperately looking for, react rather badly to this invasion, especially by the W.I.M.Ps. This can be seen clearly by this arithmantic model reconstruction!' and Hermione pointed proudly with her wand to the wall where a line of symbols joined up lazily into a complex equation.

Professor Vector clapped; Professor Sinistra seemed to be having trouble breathing and Malfoy was so low in his seat that he was in danger of slipping off. Also, the bat would have noted that his ears were rather red. (Malfoy's not the bat's)

Hermione flicked her bushy hair behind her shoulder and continued 'Mr Malfoy and I have suggested that some Thaumatons, react particularly badly to these newly speculated particles. Such Terribly Irritable Thaumatons or T.I.Ts are an unknown quantity in our proposed model of Forcibly Unmade Cosmic Kinetics or FUCK which we wish to present to the august guild!'

Hermione finished triumphantly, brown eyes flashing, cheeks flushed, knowing that a Flamel prize nomination was but a couple of weeks away. She grinned as Professor Vector stood up to applaud her, and then turned her surprised gaze to the agitated figure of Professor Sinistra who was trying to make herself heard over the loud groaning of Malfoy and the enthusiastic clapping of the Arithmancy Professor.

'Veritas!' said Sinistra, and then louder 'VERITAS!'

Finally a distant voice seemed to have penetrated t the brain of Professor Vector. 'What is it, my dear Sally?' he said excitedly. 'It was excellent was it not? I have never seen more perfect Arithmancy. The cosmic beauty, the perfection! Oh, I knew these two would make me proud! I see Flamels, my dear, Flamels all around! Don't you?'

'Er-yes, that is, one must--speak to headmaster, I must—er, Severus might-' Sinistra, looked around, flustered. (AN: This may, in part, have been due to her dismay at having revealed to two of her students that her rather spectacular last name came with such a kitten of a name like 'Sally'. How she had wished as a child to have been Gorgonzola, or a Mozzarella or at least an Edamina…)

She pounced on the hapless Malfoy who was trying urgently to turn invisible without the aid of an Invisibility cloak.

'Mr Malfoy, have you any suggestion you wish to make to your partner? ANY suggestions at all?' Sinistra asked, waggling her eyebrows repressively at the boy. (AN: waggling eyebrows repressively is almost impossible to do, and can only be performed by bony Astronomy Professors who have the strength of will to pull out forty recalcitrant students out of bed each night of the week at midnight.)

'No, Professor' said Malfoy unhappily, 'in fact I will be very happy to give the entire credit of these theories to Granger. She is the' and the next words seemed to be burning his throat as he said them 'sole brain behind them.'

'Oh no, Malfoy,' Hermione spoke from the front of the room where she was busy retracting the swirling symbols into her wand, 'I really couldn't! Agreed the theoretical speculation is mine, but the arithmantic proofs are yours, and I really wouldn't have thought along these lines had it not been for Malfoy's Mutability Matrix.'

She pulled in the last swirling number and turned to smile toothily at her audience. 'I'm afraid this F.U.C.K is an equal collaboration between Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger, Professors!'


End file.
